


I'm a Mess

by AlecWinchester



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M, Magnus POV, and angst cuz well angst is fun, but there are mentions of the others sorry about the many tags, it is legit just malec, this is fluff just so much fluff everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 00:30:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7991971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlecWinchester/pseuds/AlecWinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't deserve you, and don't you dare protest because it's true. You have been nothing but patient and--and kind to me. You have put up with my rudeness and inability to commute emotions; and you deal with my boring, regular self." Alec pauses, his eyes never straying from Magnus. <br/> </p><p>"Everyone has been weighing me down and yelling; staring in disgust because of who I am, but you don't, you---" Alec's voice breaks slightly, "you can never be bad. Everything you do is so, so good, and I know you're about to protest I know you're gonna say you're half demon but it doesn't define you. You are the most beautiful thing to ever happen in my life. You make me feel more than just ok and I haven't been anything more than just ok in a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm a Mess

**Author's Note:**

> Yes this is my first Malec fic. I like to call it the one where Alec gushes about all the feelings he's been holding in and Magnus is a puddle of melted fluff because his Alexander is so precious. With of course a side of angst. Be gentle and enjoy my darlings. Hope you enjoy emotional word vomit.

It's been two weeks since Magnus has seen Alec, or rather since he's seen him outside of Institute business. Jace is still missing and tensions are running high, and Magnus shouldn't be mad, but he's selfish, and he misses Alexander, it feels like he's avoiding Magnus, and it sucks. After Jace, Camille and the kiss, he fears he has driven Alec away, and they haven't even gone on their first date, and yet he misses Alec's quiet but solid presence. He is just getting ready for bed when he hears the buzzer and Magnus pauses, walks to the intercom, turns it on, and prepares to yell at whoever dared to interrupt the High warlock of Brooklyn at this time of night when he hears it.

"Magnus? I know it's late...but may I come in?

His breathe catches, because it's Alexander and he is always welcome. So Magnus quickly buzzes him in and anxiously awaits.

He finally hears Alec's footsteps and he jumps to open the door. And sure enough, behind that door stands Alexander Lightwood, in all his beautiful Shadowhunter glory. Magnus' heart stutters because fuck, it's Alexander and he missed him. He looks just as gorgeous as the day they met. It's actually unfair because no one should be allowed to be as pretty as Alexander is. Magnus then proceeds to open the door fully, trying to be as welcoming as possible as he is expecting Alec to loiter and be hesitant, because so far that's how he's been around Magnus and his apartment. It's as if he's unsure if he is welcome, not understanding that he will always be welcome, he's Alec.

What Magnus doesn't expect is Alec surging forward the moment he properly lays eyes on him, after he not so subtly checks him out (which delights Magnus), and sweeps Magnus into his arms, kissing him soundly. Magnus lets out a noise, shocked but pleased and begins to thoroughly kiss Alec back, and where Magnus can usually wax poetry about Alec's mouth, his mind is completely blank. _Because holy fuck Alexander is kissing him,_ for the first time since the wedding and it's beautiful. But just as Magnus decides that he never wants this to stop, Alec pulls away, and Magnus swears he didn't whimper at all.

"I'm sorry-- I just saw and I couldn't help myself" Alec stutters out, eyes flickering carefully between Magnus' lips and eyes.

 _Ah there he is, precious nervous Alexander_ , thinks Magnus. An amused but pleased smirk lighting up his face. Alec's words, stunted but enchanting, warming his very core.

"Alexander, you are _always_ welcome to kiss me, really darling, anytime." Magnus winks as he tells him, feeling playful after such a nice hello.

Now of course this pulls a lovely blush and sweet smile out of Alexander, making him glance down briefly and look back up. Magnus feels more than a little smug of how easily he can make Alexander's pretty blush appear. However, even with the blush, Alec still has him wrapped securely in his arms and Magnus, despite knowing he is an extremely powerful being (I mean hello, high warlock), feels utterly safe like this. His mind dizzy with the proximity of Alexander, the strong scents of leather, wood and clovers surrounding him, and really Magnus could get used to this. Just as Magnus is about to share that information and perhaps suggest yet another kiss (or hopefully a make out session), he feels Alec straighten up a bit, square his shoulders and school his face. The playful air lingering after the kiss is leeched out of the room and a serious one takes its place. Magnus, confused of what happened, looks up at Alec curious. He sees Alec open and close his twice, his eyes at the ceiling, he then looks back at Magnus and starts to speak.

"Magnus, look--I know this is crazy, I know it's late but...fuck... I jus-" Alec then takes a deep breath in, looking a little unsure, then closes his eyes briefly, only to open them and exhale softly "I needed to see you."

"Alexander I am always glad to see you, you are always welcome, and you know that." Magnus tells him gently.” But while I am perfectly content with seeing you every hour of the day and kissing you, I'm sure the institute has been stressful so, sweetheart, shouldn't you be getting some slee--"

"No" Alec interrupts, "Magnus please I need--I just need to tell you something."  
The hands around Magnus's waist tightened in a way he would, in any another situation, consider delicious, only to let him go and grab his hands instead, and then Alec's hands are moving again, up Magnus' arms, down his sides and finally circling around his waist again.

They're both standing together in the middle of the loft, Magnus encircled in Alec's arms. Alec leans his forehead against his, closing his eyes, as if he's gathering strength. Then he pulls back enough to look straight into Magnus' eyes. His face, open and vulnerable but determination shining in his eyes, and then he starts to speak yet again, a new confidence present in his voice.

"I don't deserve you, and don't you dare protest because it's true. You have been nothing but patient and--and kind to me. You have put up with my rudeness and inability to commute emotions; and you deal with my boring, regular self." Alec pauses, his eyes never straying from Magnus.

"Everyone has been weighing me down and yelling; staring in disgust because of who I am, but you don't, you---" Alec's voice breaks slightly, "you can never be bad. Everything single thing you do is so, so good, and I know you're about to protest I know you're gonna say you're half demon but it doesn't define you. You are the most beautiful thing to ever happen in my life. You make me feel more than just ok and I haven't been anything more than just ok in a long time. And I-- I just, I'm horrible with words and I probably don't make any sense, but you, Magnus--- _Magnus_ , I know...I know I haven't been the best, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never told you that I didn't--I don't blame you for Camille, I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at her, I wanted to stab her with a stake, and I still do, because she took advantage of you-- she hurt you, and I hate that she kissed you because-- well because I didn't want anyone kissing you except me, and I know it's stupid, but you, I was fine before you, I was living and I was ok, but then, then you--"

Magnus can see the emotion shining prominently in Alec. Where he is usually so stone cold, something... something like love is shining within his face. It can’t be though, because this beautiful thing, whatever it is has just started. He knows it’s just intense appreciation but a man can dream. Regardless, Magnus can feel his heart melting because in all his years, not one single person has ever made him feel like this. The pure blunt truth radiating from Alec makes his breath catch. Sonnets have been written about his beauty but nothing can ever compare to this, because Alec actually believes every single word he is uttering and nothing is more beautiful and sad than that.

"—well, you appeared and everything changed, for the better, you make me feel better. And now everything is falling apart again and you---Magnus, you are the only solid thing, you are the one steady thing that is keeping me together and I am so grateful you are with me. I'm sorry I haven't been strong for you too because Valentine, he didn't only take Jace, he's taking Downworlders every day and this--this can't be easy for you and yet here I am--weak, thinking I'm the only who's been affected and I'm sorry, by the Angel Magnus I am so sorry I haven't come by to see you, I'm sorry I've only called you when the institute needed you--and--"

" _Alexander_..." Magnus quietly interrupts as he reaches up and palms at Alec's cheeks with both his hands. Magnus can spy the crack of self-depreciation hidden in Alec hazel eyes, growing prominently by the second and he feels a fire hot anger shooting in his core. A hatred for those who made Alec feel that he was anything less than beautiful, inside and out. He wants to stop Alec, cuddle him close and tell him how important he is and how much he matters. But Alec doesn't stop he just continues, a dam of emotion broken after so long.

"No, no, I'm sorry. I don't know why you put up with me, I'm a mess, I'm just an insignificant speck in the universe that is you, you shouldn't have to deal my whiny needs and--

"Alexander!!!!!" Magnus tries again, louder and more insistent because he is really starting to break his heart. Alec finally pauses and Magus sighs in relief. Because it doesn't matter that Alec might be a bit of mess, Magnus likes....loves him anyway, he thinks he has loved him from the moment he saw him. Ragnor has always told that he falls too easily, but there is something different about Alexander, he's so kind, courageous, loving, protective and so, so strong. It tears Magnus's heart apart that Alec could ever think he was insignificant, because to Magnus he has become _everything_ in so little time.

But now it's Magnus' turn to talk.

" _Alexander_ , my darling Alexander, don't you dare, don't you _ever_ dare think you are insignificant, you matter so very much to so many people, especially me. Don't apologize sweetheart, your Parabatai is missing and Valentine is a prominent threat, I get it, everything may be a mess but don't apologize because it isn't your fault. We are both a bit of a mess, but that's ok because I will always be there to support you, we can get through this together." Magnus huddles possibly even, closer to Alec. His hands still cupping his cheeks, and he can feel the lines of Alex's strong body, he shivers slightly and continues, a fierce intensity in his gaze.

"It is I who is lucky, you are so brave, kind, selfless and not to mention gorgeous. You are truly a leader, and where I may be biased, I believe there are many traits others can learn from you, including me. You are so honest and strong and I, for the lack of better words, love it. Like I said, for nearly a century I have been cold and unfeeling, many times I contemplated sitting here and calcifying, but then you, Alexander, walked into my life and unlocked my heart. You are the one who saved me, nobody's words have ever, ever, struck me so hard like yours did today, Alexander, and there has not been a moment since I met you when I didn't admire you. I am so completely honoured that you have allowed me into your heart." Magnus, who prides himself on his ability to appear nonchalant in the face of any situation can feel himself tearing up. But Alec stands there still encircling Magnus, but he is frozen, and for a second Magnus thinks he's scared him but then Alec surges forward yet again and kisses Magnus, _**hard**_.

This time is different, there is more feeling, passion, love. It's sweet and hot all the same time and Magnus can't help but melt into it. In that moment Magnus realizes that every other kiss he has have given or gotten was irrelevant, because nothing could ever compare to this. Nothing could ever compare to Alec, and when he tentatively starts nipping at his lips, Magnus immediately opens up and twines his tongue with Alec's. He can't help the moan that escapes when Alec licks into his mouth, because of course he had to be naturally gifted at this; all precise and deliberate strokes, Magnus is in heaven. Not to mention the taste of Alec is absolutely exquisite.

Things have start to get heated, so Magnus steers them both to the couch. He pushes Alec into the plush cushions and climbs on top of him, straddling him and continues to kiss him. It's all so fucking good, Magnus can kiss Alexander forever, but they have do have to breathe, so they both slowly pull away, chests heaving and lips red and bitten. Alec's big, strong archer hands stroke up and down his back holding him close and it's so intimate that Magnus shivers, again melting further into his touch. He can feel Alec's heart beating fast through his shirt and he knows his heart is doing the same thing. He hides his face in Alec's neck and nuzzles his nose against his unfairly hot deflect rune. And for a while they just cuddle there, intertwined.

They have been quiet for about 5 minutes when he feels Alec shift. His arms tightening around Magnus and whispers, "Magnus, I-- thank you, no one has ever...no one has ever even come close to telling me the things you have. I don’t even know what to say, I just… _thank you_."

He still sounds a little unsure about whether Magnus actually meant what he said, and Magnus feels a little sad but he shakes it off, because whether or not Alec believes the words he said tomorrow or the day after, he accepted them today and for now that's enough.

So instead of answering verbally, Magnus snuggles closer, his smile lightly pressed against Alec's skin, and he can hear Alec sigh happily above him just as he begins to drift off.

Twenty minutes go by and Magnus is dozing when he feels a sudden shift in gravity as something lifts him up. He panics minutely until he hears Alec's voice, warm and raspy from sleep telling him "it's ok, I'm just moving you to bed, it's more comfortable". Then, Magnus lets himself relax again his arms tightening around Alec's neck, face buried in his chest, feeling sleepy and giddy. Because really, Alec is carrying him bridal style, and it's so precious because he's holding Magnus like he's made of glass and once again Magnus never wants this to end. But of course once again, it does; Alec gently deposits him on the bed and starts to pull away but Magnus doesn't let him go, it’s too soon and he’s comfy, so instead he tightens his hold even further.

"Stay, please, Alexander don't go," Magnus pleads, in a voice that sounds awfully like a whine.

Alec laughs softly and replies, "I'm not going anywhere, I’m just gonna get out of these clothes."

Magnus relaxes his hold at Alec's reply and lazily drags himself under the covers. He can hear the rustling of Alec's clothes and the blankets being lifted behind him. A strong arm encircles his waist, pulling Magnus snugly against Alec, back to chest, and, _by the angel,_ Magnus has missed the feeling of this simple intimacy. It feels especially nice with Alec. He can feel Alec wiggle a bit and both their bodies align completely. Alec sighs once again and buries his face in Magnus' neck and Magnus feels so completely safe and so, so, grateful he has Alexander and they finally settle down, safe and in their own world.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

"Goodnight Magnus" Alec whispers softly, nuzzling close.

And Magnus is overwhelmed with the want to say _I love you_ but he knows despite all words said today, it's too soon so instead he utters a quiet "Goodnight, Alexander," and it feels like I love you anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading cutie. I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry about the little rushed ending. :)


End file.
